Hollywood. I moved there when I was 8 years old. 6519 Leland Way, one block south of Sunset. The things I saw and felt there made an impression that directed my life for decades. I was dazzled by experiences like going to the Hollywood Christmas Parade and seeing celebrities in person; going to Summer Camp at the Hollywood YMCA with a kid whose dad was one of The Beach Boys, seeing him being picked up in a limousine; attending school with Chaka Khan’s daughter and getting Chaka’s autograph when she came to pick her up in a limousine one day. It was so magical to escape my loneliness by dreaming of being a celebrity myself; being adored and surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people. I was so into it. 

And here I am, almost 50 years later, knowing so clearly that I am into something else now; I’m into having peace of mind and a satisfied soul, and after a lot of pain and struggle, I have finally come to accept that Hollywood as an industry doesn’t offer peace of mind and couldn’t possibly care less about my soul. I have mixed emotions about how much of my life has been influenced by Hollywood; what began in childhood kept me going for quite a while, and I’m thankful for that, I’m thankful for how I was led to developing myself artistically, but a few years ago I, along with the rest of the world, began learning and understanding some things about Hollywood that sicken me. Things that I never imagined. It has been heartbreaking to witness people I believed in being exposed to be complete monstrous frauds. And I cannot stomach even the idea of that environment anymore. 

I say a few years ago, but it wasn’t a few years ago really. It may have started with Cosby. I can’t even remember anymore. Weinstein was a turning point, but it didn’t really hit home until Diddy. That said, learning about Kevin Spacey really fucked me up. So I just don’t know how to characterize the time span. I guess it doesn’t really matter; the bottom line is, the veil has been lifted and Hollywood just doesn’t look good to me anymore. 

I don’t understand how some people can consciously hurt others as a lifestyle and be okay with it, and I’m glad I don’t understand. It’s unfortunate that Hollywood as an industry is so deeply infected with the idea that mistreating people is acceptable; it’s unfortunate that so many people are or have been complicit, not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to risk jeopardizing their own careers. It’s really, very, truly sad. 

I was always on the fringe; the closest I got to having a legitimate career was doing some print modeling, being an extra on television shows and movie sets, doing some background singing for an artist whose name I cannot remember and doing a commercial for a department store in Fresno. I had a variety of issues that prevented me from climbing the ladder of success and I felt bad about that for a long time, like I had failed as a person and as an artist. But at this stage of the game, I am so thankful that the version of me that was trying to make it in that town was so clueless; I am so thankful that I never experienced the true horrors for myself. 

I have come to realize that the vast majority of people in the entertainment industry on the talent side are people with scars, people who sought out relief from their pain by becoming famous. And on the business end, there are a lot people who have issues with power, needing to feel in control of and bigger than others. I grew up in the age of mostly genuine talent becoming celebrated; I can’t speak on the experience of what celebrity has become since social media. Be that as it may, the desire to be loved by strangers is perhaps the continuous thread that connects us all; we need to be seen and appreciated and loved, on a grand scale, because somewhere back there, we just didn’t get the attention and feel the security that we needed. And we are haunted, trying to fill that space. 

It’s not a crime; I think truly talented people feel a depth of joy when doing their thing that transcends your average human experience - it is divine to have those moments of getting it right, knowing you’re good, feeling the joy, the satisfaction and the comfort of being at one with your craft. It’s so good that you kinda don’t care that your childhood was so fucked up. The craft is beautiful. The industry is garbage. 

After a lifetime of worship, it’s strange that I can’t go there anymore; I can’t care about its inhabitants, its trends, its products. I don’t know what’s real anymore, I don’t know who’s real anymore.

Growing up in terms of years is automatic; growing mentally and spiritually is optional and often heartbreaking and mind boggling as you come to understand that so much of what you believed is simply wrong. An identity crisis is inevitable if you’re really doing the work of conscious evolution. Who am I without the things that formed me? Finding those answers is the work. 

I am still in the process of discovering what is true to my soul and what is just programming that I picked up and can now overwrite. One answer that has given me great clarity, direction, relief and joy is that my love for music has nothing to do with what Hollywood does or doesn’t do. Music is infinite and pure; it was the shit before Hollywood was created and will continue being the shit if and when the whole thing burns to the fucking ground. Music is so much bigger than an industry. 

Namaste.