As a child I was described as sensitive and moody. I grew to dislike those aspects of myself as they seemed to displease the people in my life and therefore make life hard for me. 

There was a time when I was willing and able to stay in a bad mood for hours, sometimes days. I either thought I deserved to feel bad or that I needed to focus on a problem in order to solve it. Not knowing any better, I figured my moods just came and went; I didn’t think I had any consistent, conscious control over my emotions and moods.

I feel fortunate to have found a way to appreciate my sensitivity and emotions, and understand how and why my moods come about. I feel good about being able to experience many emotions and feel life without spiraling uncontrollably to the darkest of places and staying there tormenting myself. 

My answers came from being a relentless seeker of spiritual satisfaction. I don’t know how others find their answers that allow them inner peace, but I do feel compelled to offer up my experience in the hope that someone suffering can find comfort in my story.

Some people feel more than others; I can’t say why this is. I look at our world today and often wonder how the feel-mores of the world can cope with the sensory overload of the internet, social media, social violence, politics, and the ubiquitous trend of net-worth masquerading as self-worth. There is so much content, so much of it empty. People seem so unhappy. People are killing themselves to escape. 

I was in a dark place recently. After a series of very painful disappointments and surprises, it all came down on me and I felt powerless and hopeless and I had a dark moment of wanting to just stop it all. I chose to nip it in the bud. I chose to reach out to my best friend, my husband, and tell him I was at the bottom. That act alone helped tremendously, it allowed me relief from the darkest thoughts. From there it took a few hours to actually feel something close to alright; I tried to write, then read, finally it was singing along with Janis Joplin that picked me up so that I could feel anger instead of despair. It was still tough, but singing helped me feel something other than hopeless. From there, I gradually worked my way back to happy. 

Even with all my spiritual knowledge and practice, life still comes at me, just as it does everyone. I’ve learned to love myself anyway; even when I fall short of my own expectations and desires. That’s what saved me, self love prompted me to reach out when I felt the end was the best option at hand. Life doesn’t stop serving up hard times for anyone, so we can’t get down on ourselves for experiencing problems. We must develop tools for survival. I believe self love and acceptance are the best tools, the best habits we can develop. 

We have to love ourselves enough to save ourselves when the darkness comes. Sometimes saving ourselves means asking for help.

I must say, I’ve been surprised to realize some prominent, ‘successful’ people had not one person they could trust with their needs. Not one friend to whom they could turn and say ‘I need help’. It makes me think there’s a lot of socializing going on, but not much trusting or connecting, and that’s kinda sad. Everyone needs at least one person - we are humans, we need true connection to survive. This pop culture trend of being too cool to care is doing more harm than good; it is based on fear and wishful thinking. We are not machines, feeling is what we do. Pretending you have no feelings is self hating; it is a refusal to accept yourself as a feeling being, it is a rejection of your humanity. You deserve better than that. You deserve love. Real love. We all do.

Namaste.

I originally wrote this on June 9, 2018 the day after Anthony Bourdain’s suicide, which happened three days after Kate Spade’s suicide. I did not have an emotional connection to Kate Spade, but I knew who she was and after her death I learned that she had a daughter, and my heart went out to her especially. I did have an emotional connection to Anthony Bourdain; my husband and I had enjoyed No Reservations for years, we actually spent three months in Vietnam largely because of the appreciation and curiosity we felt due to his influence. His suicide affected me deeply and I was inspired to write something in the hope that I could make something good out of the sadness I felt. 

And so here we are, 8 years later and I have definitely seen some shifts in American culture in terms of awareness of the importance of genuine human connection as well as the importance of mental health as a personal and social issue, and the understanding that while money is a wonderful thing that we all need and want, it is far from the only important thing in life. We’re making progress and that’s the point, that’s the goal no matter what; and in those ways I see our culture moving in a positive direction. So, if I were to write this piece today, it would probably have a different tone on those fronts, but I have chosen to present it as originally written because it was written as a kind of acknowledgment of the way I felt after Anthony Bourdain’s passing, and I want to preserve that purity.