I am a woman. I am black. I am American. While I recognize and identify with all of those aspects, none of those things define me. The fact that my mother killed herself two weeks before my fifth birthday has been my primary identifier in life. It has shaped and influenced all of my being. Music is a close second. But surely, had she lived, I would not have had such need to find solace in music. 

I know I am not alone, which is both sad and beautiful. There are people who didn’t get anything close to the promise of a carefree childhood because a parent chose to end their life. In their wake they leave their children filled with the questions, the despair, that lost feeling....you cannot know it unless you live it. You are filled with a haunting, dreadful feeling: why did they leave me, why wasn’t I enough to keep them alive? Other parents say they live for their kids; why not mine? What’s wrong with me?

It is so hard to not take parental suicide personally.

But I believe it’s the key to whatever semblance of peace we can hope for. Before a person is a parent, they are a human being, and human beings have problems and pains. Suicide is not personal. It is the act of a person in so much pain, they cannot see any way out. It is an act of desperation. 

To any child grieving a parent lost to suicide, I want to say I understand your pain and I’m rooting for your survival. It is a hard road and you will feel alone; but there is nothing wrong with you. You are absolutely entitled to feel angry - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are entitled to self pity, but it won’t really get you where you want to be, so try not to make a habit of feeling sorry for yourself. Your parent can never be replaced, but if you put your energy into loving yourself, the sting fades a bit. 

Don’t expect the pain to go away, it never does, but you can have a good life. You will be deeper than most people, more sensitive, more compassionate. You are special, try to remember that. You are surviving something that gives you a very unique world view - you know shit can go very wrong and you won’t buy into a lot of things ‘normal’ people are trying to sell. So nurture your relationship with yourself.

That is my advice, I’ve been living with the aftermath of parental suicide for 50 years now. Like I said, the pain never goes away, but you can have a good life. You certainly deserve it.

Namaste.