The Short Story: I’m sure every artist who has been at it for a while has been there; you work on a project, put your heart and soul into it, release it to the world and the world does not respond the way you hoped it would. So then you look around at who is succeeding and bitterness takes hold as you decide the world was wrong. Or you were wrong. Everything just feels wrong. It was in this spirit that I made Catharsis.

It didn’t start out that way at all; it started with me simply wanting to record something and I was looking to re-record a demo I’d done in 1998. I loved those songs and I thought they deserved to be dressed up and put out into the world. But when I went to record, I just couldn’t sing those lyrics; I wasn’t 27 anymore, my perspective had changed completely. So I decided to pivot and write new lyrics to the old tracks. The new lyrics were dark because that’s how I felt; making music from that darkness made me feel a lot better.

The Long Story: It was 2015 and I was chronically vacillating between depression, anger, self pity and bitterness. My career wasn’t where I wanted it to be and I felt disempowered and defeated. It had been 5 or 6 years since my last fully executed project (subspace); that album had not been received the way I’d hoped and I was still hurting over that, but I wanted to make something new anyway.

Looking back, I can see that although I wanted to make new music, I wasn’t ready to acknowledge how I was really feeling; instead I wanted to re-record some songs from a demo I’d made in the late 90’s. I really loved those songs and believed that they deserved a day in the Sun. But when it was time to record, I found I could not sing those songs; I was no longer that person, emotionally and mentally I was someone else entirely.

Going from absolute confidence to utter confusion in the course of a week was terrifying, but I knew what I had to do ~ I knew I had to start over. When I searched my soul for inspiration, I was shocked by the darkness I found within me; I was battling demons that had me feeling trapped and overwhelmed with grievances and regrets. Writing those songs was a purging process for me, so the project basically named itself.

I hired a musician (who wished to go uncredited) to add bass and keyboard elements to all of the songs except Without My Dreams* and Poser Pose. That process was one of the most fun experiences of my life; I would send him the track and he’d sprinkle his magic on it and send it back, and each time I was thrilled by the way his contributions brought my songs to life.

I wrote the lyrics and recorded the vocals while living in Brooklyn. The feeling of creating art in NYC; riding the subway while listening to my music in my ears - it was simply transcendent. Definitely a highlight of my life.

So while the darkness of Catharsis is real, the process of making it was full of sweetness and light.

I released Catharsis in April of 2015 to crickets and I was crushed. I really had high hopes for it; I had a distributor and a website. But at that point I had no idea the true scope of work that went into a successful independent career. Actually, I didn’t even know that was possible for me; I’d been hypnotized by the music industry for so long, I thought theirs was the only game going. When I didn’t receive immediate positive responses in the form of attention and sales, I didn’t know what to do. Ultimately, I pulled it off the market, just as I had with subspace because of insecurities and artistic self loathing. I basically fell apart. Just as I had after subspace. It took me a number of years to process the pain of those disappointments; while I was doing that, the world changed. And now, I look out into the world and see so many opportunities and possibilities that are tailor made for me and I feel blessed. I’m so glad that I never gave up. Timing is a mysterious and powerful thing.

*He is responsible for the nifty vocal bounce effects on 'Without My Dreams'.